Why I Hate Wal-Mart

I'm not going to wax eloquent on the economics, or how Wal-Mart is hurting the Mom & Pop businesses out there....my reasons for hatred are more superficial than that.



1. The lighting. It is so very hideous. I know that most large shops use fluorescent lighting, but the combination of the mostly white decor and then the awful lighting makes for a very depressing shopping experience.

2. The layout. Why oh why does the pet stuff have to be so far away from the food stuff? They should be close to each other. Are they saying that pet food does not count as food? That's segregation, and pet discrimination. I just cannot stand for that. My cats deserve better treatment.

3. The customers. For the most part, I have observed the customers to be sullen in appearance (probably because of the awful lighting). Don't the execs higher up on the Wal-Mart food chain want to see happy Wal-Mart customers? Perhaps they should give everyone a can of Diet Coke or a sippie cup of wine upon entry. Caffiene and alcohol makes people happy.

4. The kids. I can always count on a child screaming at banshee-like levels during my shopping experience. I cannot wait until someone invents children's chewable Demerol. Bonus points to WalMart if said children's chewable soothing narcotic is generic, and sold for $4. That will be a beautiful day.

Coco Does Thanksgiving

Coco has the family over every Thanksgiving. I love doing the Thanksgiving meal. In years past, I have been possessed by Martha Stewart, and did the herbs-under-the-skin thing....heck, one year I even served a tur-duck-hen. The end result of preparing gourmet birds and side dishes resulted in me spending the lionshare of the day in the kitchen, and I was exhausted.

Coco don't play that way anymore.

I'm a busy gal, Martha doesn't dare possess my mortal coil during the holidays. She would probably swoon from the lack of difficulty and heavy use of prepared products. Meh....she's a weirdo anyway. I don't care what she thinks. To me, Thanksgiving is all about spending time with the family, and copious amounts of food and alcohol.

Here's is Coco's Thanksgiving Menu:

1. Turkey. I don't mess with the bones anymore. I absolutely hate dealing with the carcass afterwards. I buy two Butterball boneless turkeys. They always come out juicy and perfect, and the meat is awesome for sandwiches the next day (if there are even leftovers).

2. Mash 'Taters and Gravy. Taters are instant from a box, gravy is from a jar. Thanksgiving purists have the following options:

a. You can bite me, or
b. Come over and mash the taters yourself whilst steaming your face to a bright red.

Everyone loves my taters, because I use REAL butter, garlic, salt, pepper and a bit of cream. Don't hate until you appreciate my taters.

3. Stuffing. Although it is not actually "stuffed" in the bird, Northerners call it stuffing. I sweat onions, carrot and celery (all of an equal size) in a bit of butter. I then add a mild breakfast sausage. Salt and pepper are added, and the mixture is incorporated into Pepperidge Farm breadcrumbs, and moistened with chicken broth. It is so good you could cry.

4. Green bean casserole. I used to serve my holiday green beans with lemon and olive oil, but I thought it would be fun to serve the classic (with cream of mushroom soup and crispy onions) last year. It was a big hit, and appears again on this year's menu.

5. Corn. Out of the can. I am not cutting corn off the ear you Bobby Flay loving freak. I don't work at Bolo.

6. Cheezy Broccoli. Broccoli florets covered in cheddar and/or Velveeta. Cooked until the cheeze is bubbly and ever-so-slightly brown....like a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

7. Cranberry Gelatin Goo. I mold the cranberry gelatin goo to represent the artistry that is the inside of an aluminum can. It is quite a skill. Mom also brings a lovely whole berry relish for those that dig the whole berry experience. It is faboo. People that know and love me know that I am a klutz. This is why I have a ceramic range top rather than an open flame gas range. Those cranberries explode y'all. Me + exploding fruit = disaster.

8. Mom's Irish Soda Bread. Usually served during St. Patrick's Day, it also appears at Thanksgiving because it is just that awesome. The traditional variety calls for raisins, also known by me as The Devil's Candy, so Mom makes a loaf usually with dried apricots and walnuts. I think this year she is going to substitute Craisins for dried apricots. It is awesome toasted the next day for breakfast.

9. Apple Pie and Pumpkin Pie served with Cool Whip. A nice lady by the name of Sara Lee has already assembled the pies. I just have to heat them up. Thanks ever so much Sara!

So that's the menu. It is very easy, which means I will have tons of time to spend with my family, and that's the most important thing.

Christmas before Thanksgiving?

Yep. That is the scene in my neighborhood. My neighbors are affectionately called the Southern Stepford Borg ("SSB"). This is because:

1. The inside and outsides of their houses are immaculate at all times.
2. They talk like they ooze magnolia. Seriously who knew that the word "hello" had five syllables?
3. They spawn at an alarming rate. All of them have at least two robot children, and a few of them have three.
4. They are all housewives. I am the only one that works outside of the home.
5. They wear clothing that makes them look like L.L. Bean models.
6. Aaaaannnd the main reason? Resistance is futile y'all. I am sure they want to assimilate me.

So I am the odd one out, and therefore have a moral obligation to make fun of them. My most recent reason to poke fun at them? They have already decorated for Christmas. That's right. There are wreaths, lights and other signs of Christmas already in my neighborhood, and we haven't even celebrated Thanksgiving yet. WTF mates. These SSB robots must need maintenance, because their wiring is just not right. I'm sure on Friday it will be full blown-out Christmas in my 'hood, and they will probably be delivering their hand-stamped holiday cards in short order, along with invitations to their open house parties.

That's cool. I'll go to their parties. I'd really like to find their robot maintenance rooms, and maybe go on a safari for the elusive SSB dust bunny.

Coco Recommends

Coco has been on a big self-care kick recently. You are not going to believe this, but I had my FIRST massage ever last weekend. I don't know why I waited so long, but I can tell you I will indulge in massages more often. I went to Andante Day Spa, which is rather close to my hood. I have been there before and used them for other services, so I knew the facility was lovely, and the staff was faboo.

I decided to get the 60 minute Swedish massage, which was a bargain priced at $70. My masseuse introduced herself, and I noticed that she was a petite little thing.

Turns out she was a petite little thing with Herculean strength.

She worked everything (focusing mostly on my lower back as requested) from my head to my toes, and I felt limber, relaxed and pain-free afterwards. They also offer a 30 minute massage for $40 if you want a shorter session. They also have other sorts of massage like hot stones, etc. I so want to do the hot stone therapy. That sounds fab.

Coco must also recommend Aveda's Personal Blends Collection.



They have range of products from perfumes to body wash. First, you must choose your favorite scent. This is a fun process. You sit down in beside at least 20 vials filled with different cocktails of essential oils. You sniff each one, and it gets put either in the yes or no column. If your brain gets too full of scent, they also have a can of coffee beans that you can sniff as a perfume brain cleanser of sorts. It really works. Turns out that my favorite was a blend of geranium, eucalyptus and lime. I have the perfume, body scrub, shampoo and conditioner. I heart ALL of these products. The great thing about adding the essential oils to the shampoo is that my hair has never been better conditioned, and yet it is not greasy or waxy at all. I'm telling you it is awesome.

So be like Coco and invest in yourself. Self-care is a fabulous thing!

They Didn't Even Give Me A Cool Band-Aid

Coco went to the firm-sponsored Health Fair today. I don't know why they call it a fair. There are no balloons, carnies or funnel cakes anywhere in sight - just medical personnel that told me my height, weight, BMI (shoot me now), and performed other tests. In all fairness, they should really call it a Health Gauntlet of Pain and Shame.

I don't like needles y'all. I hate them, but I've gotten much better about them over time. I remember as a child, my pediatrician's nurse would pin me down with her body on top of mine, with only my arm exposed for the doctor's use. At least they always gave me a really cool band-aid, festooned with animals, flowers or something fun.

So today they took my blood for a CBC panel, and in exchange for that vial I got a cotton ball and white tape. Um yeah that's a fair trade. Thanks ever so much mean medical person.

Then I got the flu shot. I did not like that one. I could feel the goo going into my arm. She then put a band-aid on the puncture. After being pricked twice, I was feeling feisty. I asked her if she had a cool band-aid. She said she did not, but then proceeded to draw a happy face on my skin-colored band-aid.

Dang right.....Coco demands cool band-aids.

Voting Conversations Overheard

I voted early, so I do not have a report of the polling places/lines of yesterday, but I did hear some interesting tales from fellow co-workers. I present them to you in no particular order, without embellishment or added personal opinions.

1. One co-worker said that she has never registered to vote, because she is afraid of being called for jury duty.

2. One co-worker tried to early vote in Williamson County, but the line was too long, so he left. He did vote yesterday, and waited 45 minutes in line.

3. One co-worker, who moved here from Houston over a year ago, went to her designated polling place with her Tennessee issued registration card in hand, but was told she could not be found in the computer, and therefore could not vote. This was yesterday morning. She was going to go back in the evening, and hoped for a better result.

4. One co-worker's husband is in the hospital in Columbia, Tennessee. There was a polling place across the street from the hospital. The co-worker called about the possibility of her husband casting his vote there, but was told he could not. Therefore he did not vote.

Casting one's ballot is a personal, and hopefully informed decision. I am proud of every person that took the time to vote, no matter what choices they made. I think as Americans we take the conveniences of life and our freedoms for granted sometimes. It is important that we never forget that people fought and died for the rights that we have, and still do to this day.

I know Coco does not tend to get political, but who could not be thinking politically at such a time as this?