My shoes are out to get me

I look really cute today. When I say cute, I mean fun, colorful, summer sorta cute that is still appropriate for a classy work environment.

Cute I tells ya.

I am, by nature, a klutz. I am a left-handed person in a right-handed person's world. Table corners jump out and bruise my legs. I have been known to take an inelegant tumble or two when my bosses slightly curled-at-the-corners oriental rug decides to trip me up. It's a hard life I live.

But these shoes take the cake. I could not find a picture of the exact shoe or color, but this is the general heel shape and strappy nature of the pair - although my shoes are a pretty aqua blue.

The brand is "Impo." I think it is relevant that the word "imp" is in there, because I think these shoes are possessed by a mischeivious little booger. Every single time I wear these shoes, I get tripped up in an unexpected manner, whether it is the demarcation line of the carpet/plastic-mat-under-office-chair-thingy, or my pant cuff, I always manage to make a spectacular fool of myself.

I, just now, almost took a spectacular dive, but was able to catch myself, and no one was even around to giggle.

If a klutz trips in the office, and no one sees it, did it really happen? As long as they are not readers of my blog (and no one at work knows about my blog), I say no.

Don't Skimp

I'm all about being a good steward of assets, and I love a good deal - especially if I'm on a T.J. Maxx safari or something of the like, but there are certain things that a person should NEVER skimp on. I present the following list to you in no particular order.


1. Toilet paper. Don't ever buy the cheap stuff. You have one ass - be nice to it. Two ply and quilted all the way!


2. Wine. There are some very fine bottles around the $10 range. Find a liquor store that you like, and ask the purveyor for suggestions. They want your return business, and your money, and they will give you good advice. Boxed wines have come a long way, but don't buy that Franzia crap. It is Two Buck Chuck in a box.

3. Cheese. A fine cheese is a beautiful thing, and a little goes a long way in the flavor department. Go to a real cheese shop - they will be happy to give you samples, and whatever quantity may be in your budget. It will be sold to you wrapped in paper so that it can breathe, or if a soft cheese perhaps packed a tub of its liquid. The stuff shrinkwrapped to death and mass sold in the supermarket is so very wrong, and will certainly not be as flavorful as a cheese made with care and sold by a knowledgeable clerk.


4. Moisturizer. I know I have talked about this topic many a time, but it is very important. Your skin is the the body's largest organ. Don't buy ANYTHING with mineral oil or lanolin. Mineral oil suffocates the skin, and lanolin is basically sheep grease. Ick. You can find some very good moisturizers in the stores for not so much money, just avoid those two ingredients.

5. Time. It is a precious commodity, and most people blow tons of it staring at a computer screen, or watching hours upon hours of TV. Unplug. Take a bath, or a walk, or sit around a big table with your wine, cheese and good friends!

Bluetooth Borg Nation

As I was gathering my things to leave for work this morning, I noticed a new item on the kitchen table.

A bluetooth. My husband bought a bluetooth.

Although I hate the bluetooth, and how nerdy and self-important wearers look with the stupid thing tethered to their brain, I can totally understand why he did this. Dear Husband is a sole proprietor, and he is often in his car, which has a manual transmission. I try not to call him whilst he is out and about, because I am concerned that he is trying to drive and answer my call. Now it will be much safer for him to drive and conduct business on the phone.

Y'all I am concerned. Do you see what is happening? It started innocently enough with novelty items, like the beer guzzler hat. Said hat can provide the wearer with beer or other nutritious liquids.

Then everyone and their brother needed to have an ipod. Music, podcasts and other information were plugged into our ears and fed into our brains.

And now we have the bluetooth. The most high tech, futuristic looking gizmo of the bunch. I am not going to post a picture of it. If you don't know what one is it is a wonder that you found my blog or even know how to turn on a computer. I have seen tons and TONS of people with this technology attached to their heads. They wear it walking, driving, eating in restaurants, and I bet some people even sleep with it. Are you scared yet?

It is only a matter of time before we are assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Denim No No for Dudes

Dear Husband shoots a lot of east coast weddings. Yesterday we were driving back from Virginia.

We usually hit fast food whilst driving, because we want to get to our destination as quickly as possible. Well, we decided we would have a sword fight to the death with stale french fries if we had fast food one more time, so we stopped at a Texas Roadhouse in Knoxville. Our food sucked, but it was better than fast food. Anyhoo.....I saw something that I could not stop looking at, even though it was so damaging, you know, like staring at the sun.

One of the male servers had tight tight Wrangler jeans on, and his t-shirt was tucked in, so I saw his JLo bubble butt in all its scary spherical splendor.

Dudes should just not tuck unless they are in dress pants or ...... really anything except for tight jeans. I don't know what he was thinking. It was so wrong, but I could not stop looking at it. I did not see the front view because my look of horror would have been evident. I dunno if he was wearing a codpiece or if his bits and pieces were screaming from suffocation. I felt sorry for his gonads. He was probably a college student, with his reproductive years ahead of him.

Fellas, please don't be this guy. If your jeans are cowboy tight, you should be wearing boots and one of those western button down shirts like Tim McGraw. Tucked denim with a t-shirt and sneakers is just scary.

Pretty Pretty Yeast

Oh when will people start thinking....I ask you. You know....that vast area between a person's ears? Just because a word might sound "pretty" doesn't mean that it should be used.

For example - Chlamidya, to a stupid person, might sounds like a lovely name for a little girl. You bet she will petition the court to get her name changed post haste.

Anyhoo - the reason for my post. Coco might be attending a rather swanky ball in November, so I decided to google "ball gowns." I clicked on the first referenced website, scrolled through the pictures of meringue-like dresses, and came across this one.

Yes, it is vile, but the truly tragic thing about this poofy disaster is the name they have given the design.

Candida. Also known as the yeast that is responsible for yeast infections. If you don't believe me, here's a link to the actual website page.

I just can't make this stuff up. Gosh I hope this dress comes with a tube of Monistat.

Creepy Things

Here is a short list of things that either creep me out and/or freak me out. Why have I chosen this topic? Because it is random and rather funny if I do say so myself. So here they are in no particular order.


1. Those Oompa Loompas from the original Willie Wonka movie. Eww ewwwww EWWWWWW I hate those little unnaturally brown guys. I hate their makeup, their hair, their dancing, that creeptastic song they sing. I could go on forever. WHY WAS I ALLOWED TO WATCH THIS AT SUCH AN IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG AGE? I blame my parents for the wound in my psyche. For serious - how is this a lovely fun film that children should dig? It's all about bad kids getting their come-uppance in rather violent or macabre ways. Not cool. I am not posting a picture of those dang things, because thats how much they creep me out.

2. Kites. Now, I am fine seeing a pretty kite in the air, but holding the string whilst the kite is launched far, far into the atmosphere gives me the heebie jeebies. It's like I am afraid that I will be carried away with it. Yes, I know I could simply just let go of the kite if it creeps me out that much, but the idea of letting go of the kite freaks me out too.

3. The big friggin whale at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City. I was born and raised in New York, and we would often go on field trips to this museum. Taxidermy in general makes my skin crawl, but there is a special place of fear for the big friggin whale. Here's a picture in all its creepy splendor:

Do you see those people walking down the stairs to the side of the whale? They are ants in comparison. That is how big the behemoth is. It is basically impossible to not walk under the whale when you are down on that level, or view it up close as you were walking down the stairs, but as a child I did my best to stay on the perimeter. I was always afraid that the whale would fall and crush me, or it would suddenly come to life a la the Clash of the Titans Thetis statue.

You'd better believe that I did not see that movie Night at the Museum. Oy vey I would have to be sedated before and afterwards.

4. Oh yeah, let's not forget statuary. Yep, Clash of the Titans scared the fertilizer out of me when the above statue started talking. I'm fine viewing statuary in a museum or in the light of day, but I HATE it at night. I feel like they are following my movements with their vacant eyes as I pass by.

So do shrinks see visions of dollar signs? Perhaps, but my randomness about creeptastic things is what makes me what I am, so they can just step off.

The Joy of Soy

I love getting free stuff, and last night, upon my return home, there was a box with free product in it.

The box contained three SOYJOY snack bars (granolaheads can go to the website to read up on the nutrition particulars). One was apple walnut, the other raisin almond and yet another was mango coconut. I signed up for this promotion based on a commercial. In the commercial, they stated they would send three, and I was supposed to enjoy one and share the other two with my friends. This will not be hard for me to do because:

1. The raisin almond one has the word "raisin" in it. Even though many people enjoy raisins, Coco believes raisins are the devil's candy.

2. The mango coconut one has the word "coconut" in it. Coco does not dig the coconut. I don't even buy shampoo that smells like coconut. Not only do I dislike the smell, but I cannot stand the chewy texture of coconut.

So me being the faboo friend that I am, and a genuinely sharing soul that would not want to be in violation of a contract, I shall send the other two to people that do not have my super picky tastebuds.

I must say that the apple walnut one was super nummy nums. It was full of apple goodness and was tasty. I would so buy this again. I am a generally a big fan of soy products. I love serving shelled soybeans as a veggie for dinner, and I frequently consume light chocolate silk because I have never liked real milk (not even when I was a kid). Yes, yes, I know that my consumption of soy is in direct contradiction to my post of a couple days ago entitled "Fear the Fish - Love the Lard", but Coco is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Deal with it.

They have a fourth flavor, that their promotional material says is full of "wolfberries." I did not know that mammals produced berries, and have never really been a fan of game meat, but whatevs I guess it is a good form of protein. Heh I kid......I kid. Wolfberries are also known as goji berries, and are supposed to be tart like cranberries - not wolf flavored at all.

Workman Executed

The big news in Nashville today is that Phillip Workman was executed last night. I am not going to go in to the particulars of the case, and I am not going to passionately try to change someone's mind to think the way I do. Sure, there are tons of bloggers that will do that. I just feel the need to say what I feel about this matter.

I do not believe in the death penalty. I do not believe that killing a guilty person, even though a crime may be heinous, will make up for that crime. I think it is more of a punishment to let that perpetrator serve his or her sentence in prison, and have all the time in his or her life to think about what they have done in a confined, locked space.

Phillip Workman is now dead. We will never know exactly what happened, no matter how many people argue back and forth about the case. His last words were “I commend my spirit into your hands Lord Jesus Christ.” It's between him and God now.

Fear the Fish - Love the Lard

Great. Dear Brittney over at Nashville is Talking has informed us, via the AP, that "U.S. health officials have learned farmed fish were fed meal contaminated by an industrial chemical linked to pet food recall."

I do my level best to make healty meals in my house. I mostly use olive oil when fat is needed, and beef is rarely found in my refrigerator. I serve a ton of fish, usually in the form of salmon, sea bass or tilapia.

Not long ago, the fresh spinach scare made me ditch that frequent menu item, then green onions, and most recently peanut butter got trashed.

Then the food scare threatened two precious members of my family, Inky and Scooter. I looked at every updated list, and thankfully the brand that they prefer was never on the recall list. Don't mess with my kitties' chow.

So this is what Coco recommends:

Love the lard people - embrace it with two greasy hands. It has worked for centuries for all sorts of people, who are we to say that it is any worse for us now that we're gonna die from contaminated healthy food?

Avoid fiber at all costs. Remember, those poor fish were fed contaminated meal of some sort. That sounds like fiber to me. Pppffftttt who really likes to eat oak bark pellets served with soy milk anyway. Eat your froot loops and pour whole milk over it like a good American.

Leafy greens are just dangerous, especially in raw form. Um hello spinach scare? If you must eat anything green, be sure it is fried to death or swimming in hot cheeze and/or cream.

Drink copious amount of whiskey. Enough of that gasoline in your gullet will kill any cootie that might be present in your system. Whenever I feel malaise, my bossman tells me it is because I don't drink enough. He is so wise.

If you don't smoke take it up post haste. Besides our atmosphere being filled with all that oxygen, I'm sure there is airborne pestilence thrown in there for good measure. Smoke those beasties out of your lungs.

Gosh, I can't think of any more wisdom to impart right now. I care about my dear readers so much.....really I do.

No Fear Here Thankyouverymuch

I do not have many girlfriends. I have tons of girl-acquaintances, but the term "girlfriend" is reserved for extremely special and super cool women in my life. I can easily say that I have less than ten girlfriends.

Some of my girlfriends know about my blog. This is coolness, because my girlfriends inspired me to create my blog. We correspond regularly by e-mail, and my prose made them chortle, so a-blogging I went.

What I now say is out of love. Dear sisters of snark - if you send me some bullshit forwarded chain e-mail about how if I don't keep the chain going I will be:

1. cursed
2. zapped of my beauty
3. responsible for the death of an ocelot
4. unloved

I will promptly trash it. It is not because I don't love you, or care about the on-its-face sentiment of you sending it to me, but it is due to the subtle, underlying reason behind it.

Fear. Those e-mails convey a message of fear.

I believe in God. I have great faith in God. 2 Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I trash these e-mails because I know the source of my blessings. I do not have to rely on luck or forwarded e-mails for quality of life.

I am sorry if my girlfriends that read this message that have forwarded e-mails to me take offense at this. I think offense at times is the sign of a true friend, because you do not gloss and glaze over things, you bring them to the forefront, and deal with them. If I did not care about my girlfriends, I would have just junked the e-mail, and let it go until I received the next forwarded e-mail and promptly junked that too.

This is written out of love. I hope that my snarky sistahs know the love of God, the promises of God, and have a life of peace and prosperity.